What IS sex? If you ask 10 people you will get different 10 answers.
For most of us we were taught a very narrow definition. It involves genitals. It involves intercourse. It involves orgasm… if you have a penis. This definition leaves out so much possibility. Our bodies and our brains have a massive capacity to receive stimulus, be creative, and experience pleasure. And the permission to explore our capacity has often been withheld from us.
From where I sit, sex is mutual enjoyment coupled with erotic energy.
How much more pleasure could we experience if we collectively, and consensually, allowed ourselves the freedom to explore what is erotic.
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I was visiting friends in Oakland last December and I had a threesome. In a restaurant. At lunch time.
It had been nine months since I had seen William and Jayna. We first met during our Somatica training in 2016. We met for lunch near Lake Merrit to reconnect.
William and I had played with erotic energy in various ways during the time we had known one another. Sometimes it was a tangible physical connection with flogging and bodies and lips. Sometimes it was presence, enhanced with words, that was used to magnify the erotic spark.
On this particular day, in addition to getting caught up on our lives, we were talking about food. Discussions of delicious homemade eggs benedict turned into which places in Oakland had the best burgers.
Some of you know this, but it needs to be said for clear context: I LOVE burgers.
I have a line item on my budget for them. I dream about them. I know which burgers in Portland I want given my mood. I don’t crave many things, but I regularly crave a good hamburger. Warm and greasy… the further the juice can run down my arms the better.
Or perhaps I am setting the stage for a sexy hamburger tale...
“It has a juicy patty and you have to get it medium rare.”
He looks across the table at me with a look that let’s me know he’s ready to start playing. And I immediately I feel warmth flooding my pussy.
Burgers and babes… regular participants in my fantasies. I drop my eyes and look back up at him, holding his gaze.
“Hold my hand and keep going.”
His smile broadens and Jayna starts laughing. I reach across the table and he takes my hand.
“They make the buns in house. So soft and pillowy.”
“There’s a pile of caramelized onions.”
“And that melds into the cheese and the aioli.”
I squeeze his hand… the current, electric, between us. My eyes flit over to Jayna. Her smile is wide and her enjoyment is feeding off the energy William and I are building.
I lick my lips. “What else?”
“The aioli is garlicky
My whole body shudders.
“You bite into it and the grease just drips….”
I squeeze my thighs together to attend to the throbbing in my cunt.
Jayna interjects, “This is soooo hot and you are just talking about burgers.”
I reply, “I could talk about burgers like this with you two all fucking day.”
We all start laughing. I bashfully look at William and say, “Thank you.”
* * * * *
One thing I have learned about myself, I receive immense pleasure from food. Smelling it, eating it, and even hearing about tasty things other people have eaten. I have come to embrace that aspect of myself and even use it to make dates hotter or, like above, have some fun with friends.
As a sex coach, one of the hopes I have for my clients is that they are able to come to embrace the depth of their personal sexual expression. Much of that involves helping folks unlearn the sexual scripts we receive in our culture and then encouraging them to explore what is pleasurable -- with all their senses.
Once we are more aware of how we want and prefer to receive pleasure, we can use that information to enhance our sexual and sensual fulfillment. When everything is possible, the feeling of having to do sex or be sexy in a particular way gets a little softer. The outcome can be connection and enjoyment. We can explore, rather than perform.
How much pressure could we take off ourselves and our partner(s) if we played with the possibilities of what could be hot and pleasurable and mutually satisfying?
* * * * *
Is it possible to orgasm from talking about hamburgers?
I haven’t gotten there yet, but I 100% believe that it is possible. And 100% believe that it is a worthy pursuit. Either way, there is immense joy and mutual pleasure to be experienced in the process.
If you looked at expanding your experience of sex with curiosity, what could be imaginable for you?